Peril In The Night

“Darn it! Where is he?” said a gunman on a balcony on a top secret base, looking into the darkness.
“I don’t know! There will be harsh punishment from Him for us if we don’t take him out.” The gunmen’s companion answered.
* * *
Less than fifty feet away hid the snipers’ target. His blond hair was waving in the wind, his black tux suggested handsomeness and his blue eyes reflected confidence. “Jack they don’t see us yet! We’re still safe.” Said 007 Agent Alex Hamilton
“Okay Hamilton, but I’m still not sure about this one.” Triple 0 Agent Jack Black said in a worried tone. He wore a tux in the size 10XL and had dark chestnut hair.
“Relax, we aren’t even showing up on radar.”
“If you say so Hamilton.” Jack said, still not reassured. “I’m rollin in!”
* * *
“Dang, I still don’t see Hamilton!”
“I got something!” said the second gunman as his scope detected someone.
The snipers held their fingers on the trigger and were about to fire, when a rotund and seriously obese boy came rolling through the night.
“Wait, hold your fire. It’s too fat to be Hamilton.
“Hey!” replied Jack.
“Let’s shoot his little fat butt up!”
“Ok!” replied the other gunman
“Oh crunk!” Said Jack as the M16’s started firing. John began rolling as fast as his stomach would let him but Jack was unfortunate. He was stuck. Even though the M16 bullets bounced off his rubbery surface, there was one kind of bullet that wouldn’t.
“Hey, how a bouts shoot a tazer at him and pop him like a balloon?” said Sniper #1
“I’m all for that!” his partner agreed as he took out a tazer and loaded it. And at that moment, Jack started squealing like a pig.
* * *
“Jack!” said Hamilton “Not again! Here goes nothing!” said Hamilton as he walked into the line of fire.
* * *
“3” counted the gunman. Jack prayed to God.
“2” counted the gunman. Jack had an accident.
“1” counted the gunman. Jack’s pants were soiled.
“FIRE!” said the sniper. And Jack nearly blew up from fear. The bullet whizzed. Jack winced. But the bullet did not bury itself in Jack’s fat. A different bullet deflected the other one. Jack was still in a wincing position and was still waiting for the light.
“What?” said the gunman.
“It’s Hamilton!” said the other gunman for his last words. Hamilton fired the same Glock that deflected the tazer and the bullet entered his heart. He collapsed instantly as the bullet entered his bloodstream.
As for the other gunman he sounded the alarm directly before the same happened to him.
RRRRHHMMMMMMMRRRRRHHHHHMMMMM Screeched the alarm.
“Jack let’s roll to safety!”
“Ok Hamilton, hop on my back!” Hamilton hopped on Jack’s back and budged him free. Hamilton then began riding on Jack’s back, just as the Tommy Guns on the base started firing.
“Faster Jack, faster!”
“Right back at ya buddy!” said Jack. Hamilton popped Jack like a balloon to speed up, and Jack then reformed. And Hamilton and Jack would have escaped just fine, except for one thing. There just happened to be a Country Buffet on the side of the road, and Jack couldn’t pass up an opportunity to eat.
“FOOD!” said Jack as if in hypnosis.
“No Jack no!” said Alex as he noticed the Country Buffet was a hologram used to divert attention. “No!” But it was too late. They went off a cliff.
“Where’s the food?” asked Jack.
“Um… Jack, I hate to interrupt but we are in the air 2,000 feet off the ground.”
“Oh crunk,” They started falling extremely rapidly because of Jack’s heavy weight.
“Jack, do the flying squirrel position, or we will fall to our doom!”
“Ok Hamilton. Here goes.” Said Jack. He spread out his blubber like a giant parachute. His fat flying in the wind, the fall was slowed as they started slowly drifting down, and they stopped at a few hundred feet off the ground. And then, they noticed a tree. A colossal California Redwood seemed to appear right in front of them, and it even had steel spikes!
“Well Jack, it was nice knowing you, but when you hit those spikes, you will pop, and we both will fall do our deaths,”
“Hmm. Good point.”
“Wait I have an idea!”
“What is it Hamilton?” they were about six feet away from the Redwood.
“Form into two pieces.”
“What!?” exclaimed Jack in bewilderment. Three feet from the Redwood.
“I will cut you in half. I will ride on one and the tree will pass in between the pieces. Then you will reform.”
“Are you sure about this?” Two feet away from the tree.
“One percent sure since it has never happened before.”
“One percent? Forget it!”
“Jack it’s our only chance!”
“No!” One foot away.
“YES!”
“NO!”
RRRRRPPPPPPP! Hamilton split Jack into two. He was relived to see that they had survived. As he got passed the tree Hamilton realized something; they were falling again since Jack was split up.
“WHHOOOAAAA!” Hamilton fell three hundred feet. KA-SPLAT! Jack and Alex landed in a bush. Because of his muscle mass, he survived and because of Jack’s blubber, he survived. WHOOSHH! Jack reformed.
“That was close!” said Jack in relief.
“Too close.” Corrected Hamilton.